18 months ago, I found out that I did in fact have breast cancer, the diagnosis was just a confirmation for what I was actually already feeling to be true. You see when your mother, grandmother and great grandmother all die from breast cancer and you find a lump you suspect the worst to be true. I can't rmember the exact date or the exact time but I can tell you exactly how I felt at the time of the diagnosis-numb. There was so much information being thrown at my husband and I that I am not sure there was time to feel anything else. As the days went by and a "game plan" was put into place THAT was when the emotions were able to surface...anger, fear and sadness. Did I mention that I have two beautiful amazing daughters? At the time of the diagnosis they were 20 months and 3 1/2 yeaers old. All these emotions I was feeling weren't for me but instread for my daughters. All of the "what ifs" started to creep into my mind. "what if I didn't get to see my girls get married?' " What if I didn't get to see them graduate from high school?" "What if I didn't even see them start school?" What will happen to them? How will they feel? I know that if something happens to me I will be in heaven. But the thought of my girls suffereing the loss of their mother and possibly at an age that they didn't understand what is happening brought me to tears, sobbing tears. It still does. About a week after the diagnosis I knew I needed to have a "heart to heart" with God. I knew if I was to move forward-to fight this-to beat this, I needed to be at peace with all of this. God and I hashed it out. It took a few days, losts of honestly from me and allowing myself to really "hear from God". When I walked away from this talk with God I had a "peace that surpassed all understanding" (which I still have today) and a promise from God that this trial, this dignosis would bring many great blessings into my life (and those lives around me). From that day forward I had much to look forwatd to. I knew there would be a lot of hard, messy days but I also knew that there would be much more beauty than sadness.
Within two weeks of being dignosed my sister and I had a better relationship than we have had in our adult lives. It continues to only get better. Within a few months of being dignosed my relationship with a friend that I had been enstranged from for a few years was restored. We will have known each other for 20 years this August. Over the past year I have learned to cherish every moment with my girls-to take in every step of the way. I have learned that it really doesn't matter who is "right" but more important to see and understand each other. I have learned that my husband is even more amazing and selfless than I ever thought possible. I have learned to lean on people who are here to help. I have learned that this world is full of many amazing people who fill my life (and my families life) with such joy and love. I have learned that no matter how far away someone lives I can feel their love as if they are right by my side. I have learned that the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me.
If someone asked me today, "Would you change this season of your life?" I would reply "One one hand, of course I would like to be cancer free. To never have had to endure chemo, neck surgery, a double mastectomy, loosing my hair, and radiations. To never have had to ponder my kids living without me. BUT on the other hand my answer be No I wouldn't change it. If I did I mught have missed out on so much beauty, restored relationships, and those quiet precious moments with my girls and husband (they would have still happened I just might not have "seen" them the way I do now). The reality is life is fragile no matter who you are or what you come up against. It can end at any time, so what is the point in dreading this season I am in. I choose to live my life, each day to the fullest filled with love, hope, joy and peace."
